The world is sometimes a fearful place.
I am sometimes struck dumb because my mind is out of gamut for the questions it poses.
With a world mapped in black and white it is hard to express amber and not have someone think I am meaning some kind of sad grey.
This is why I have been thinking about ternary systems.
The idea that I could actually define a place which did not map to 1normal or 0epicfail.
Some kind of constructive starting point for an alternative learning journey.
Some kind of constructive starting point for an alternative learning journey.
Donna Williams has written some interesting work on system forfeiture:
All individuals with autism find (consciously or subconsciously) their own adaptations to their pervasive developmental disorder. That is, they will find their own way of managing the relationship or non-relationship between their various systems and how they operate in interaction with "the world." This means that, for example, someone whose systems are not sufficiently integrated may ignore all emotional signals but can accumulate and process factual information in an unemotive, purely logical way. It may mean that auditory processing is "switched off" while visual or tactile processing is "switched on." It may mean that auditory comprehension is "switched on" but the processing of all "body messages" (such as need to use the toilet, hunger,cold, etc.) are put "on hold." It may mean that someone with difficulty holding awareness of two things at the same time, such as internal and external may switch awareness to one or the other but be unable to make sense of or interact at a functional level when required by the environment to use both internal and external awareness at the same time. These combinations of "systems forfeiting" are almost infinitely variable but help minimize "overload" (and its behavioral consequences).
These combinations of systems forfeiting are also almost unimaginable to people without autism, in whom systems of functioning have a reasonable degree of working integration. This inability, on the part of experts (who don't have autism) to imagine (and thereby plan out how to work with successfully) this manageable (autistic) state of disarray can lead to (among other things) two unfortunate circumstances for FC:
(a) use of inappropriate testing techniques that are based on misinformed premises and faulty assumptions and
(b) misinformed assumptions (and proclamations) of how things work or don't work that undermine credibility.
I am sometimes caught in loops.
Sometimes this is like sliding into a daydream and waking up to realise I am staring.
This can happen with men, old people, women, horses, trees, whatever. Awestruck at life.
Sometimes it is a matter of looking someone in the face but visualising them at ages 5 through 80, with resolution which is too intense or impolite.
Sometimes my self is backgrounded and my eyes follow my fears.
I care about the impact of my actions on others.
I am sensitive to how it feels for others when I get it wrong.
I am sensitive to how it feels for others when I get it wrong.
This unfortunately makes a feedback loop where the fear has its own gravity and I will stare at someone's irregular teeth, at a mark, a wart or anything else which I am afraid of getting tripped by.
I can be fearful of beauty because I can be tripped on it.
Mostly I it is the fear of others that I am afraid of.
When this happens my self will be found running around inside my head frantically looking for the reset button.
I realise that these things are not usual.
I sometimes look down or away from people if I am feeling whelmed.
It is a way of being careful of other people when I am feeling unsure of myself.
I need better strategies than that, and I am working on them, but for today that is roughly where I am at.
I do apologise to anyone for whom I have been difficult. I have not had the understanding to be able to map what was going on until recently and it has taken me a while to start thinking about it in ways which might be useful for other people and for myself in terms of finding ways to be more integrated.